Buried Emotion
by bexpunkd
Summary: Set after the finale, Ryan has a hard time coping and does something no one expects. From the P.O.V of Ryan and Seth.A M just to be safe.
1. Tidal Wave of Emotion

This is a story based a few weeks after the events of the season 2 finale. It comes from the POV of Ryan and Seth, maybe even Sandy, Kirsten, Marissa and Summer.

Let the Drama Begin!

**Chapter 1**

I lay awake in my bed, the only light coming from the moon, tracing the scars on my wrist.

They were my weakness and probably would be my downfall. They resembled all that I stood against. The fight or flight motto that kept me going through the hard times.

But now I had stopped fighting and couldn't seem to run. I couldn't run from the Cohen's and so I had given up the fight and put up my white flag.

That was when I began cutting myself. I used the razor that Sandy had given me in my Chrismukkah stocking.

The first time I cut my wrist was after Treys funeral. I had left earlier scared of what I would do if I stayed later.

I went straight to the Cohen's and looked myself into the pool house. I lay in my bed for ages as emotion swept through me.

ANGER. LOVE. BETRAYAL. GUILT. GRIEF.

All crammed into one causing long over due tears to spring to my eyes and my whole body to actually physically hurt.

And it hurt so much that I had to release it in some way. To let it all out.

I managed to stumble to the bathroom planning to take some sleeping tablets instead.

As I seethed through the cabinet I came across the razor. And somehow managed to bring it too my wrist. I pressed it hard and ripped it across my skin.

Blood instantly sprang to the surface and pain came too. But after a few more tries I managed to finally breathe through the emotional pain. Because I had a different pain to focus on.

I lay in my bed. The moon had disappeared behind some dark clouds. I traced the scars that I hid under my wrist cuff my day.

I had only done it a few times after that. Once when Sandy managed to save Marissa from prison and when Kirsten came back from Rehab glowing. Unlike my mother.

As my mind drifted to my mother, the phone began to ring. I let it ring twice, thinking about who would call me at this time of night.

Maybe Marissa telling me about her parent's latest debacle or maybe even Seth asking me to pick him up from Summers house.

What I hadn't been expecting was my drunken mother on the other side.

"Mum why are you ringing me now?" I asked a bit roughly.

"I just wanted to ring you" She chocked out "I didn't realize it was illegal to ring my own son."

"What do you want mum?" I asked impatiently.

"I'm sorry Ryan but I'm in trouble and I need help."

Now usually the normal Ryan would instantly help but I was different and I was feed up with her.

"Not this time mum. Not now. Don't you even care about me?" I shouted down the phone and before she could retaliate I slammed the phone down.

Big mistake on my behalf. Because right at that moment all those feeling were triggered by the call and came rushing back sweeping me off my feet.

I managed to stumble to the bathroom doubled over with the weight of the pain.

I grasped the cool surface of the razor and brought it down to my wrist. I scrapped harder and harder wanting to feel real pain. Wanting to be able to focus on something and feel it burn. And it burnt so bad.

I slid to the ground and lay on the floor. Blood seeped around me and I thought of how perfect everything would be if I were too die right now.

To leave it all behind and too escapes to something new. I was doing just that escaping without the awkward goodbye.

I closed my eyes.

_  
Maybe there's a God above  
And all I ever learned from love  
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you  
And it's not a cry you can hear at night  
It's not somebody who's seen the light  
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah _

Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

* * *

Something was beeping when I woke up. Which I guess means I'm not dead.

Damn that means if I'm not dead then I'll be at a hospital, the last place I want to be.

God that was the weirdest thought ever. I should be pleased that I didn't die, that I lived and was being given a second chance at life. Like Sandy had given me. That I had wasted.

I shook my head trying to focus on something sane. Then it hit me. If I was at the hospital that would mean I would be at the psyche ward. Like I said, the last place I wanted to end up. That and juvie.

I opened my eyes too see if anybody else was in the room. There was no one but I could hear voices right outside my door.

My ears registered that Sandy and Kirsten were out there with someone else who I presumed was my doctor.

I flicked up my ears and began playing Seth's favourite sport. Eaves dropping.

"His condition is stable but I would recommend that he talk to a psychiatrist. From what I have seen, and this is only an estimate, it looks like he's been cutting himself for a few weeks now."

I heard a gasp come from Sandy and Kirsten begin to sob. I felt extremely bad for putting them into this situation.

The doctor began to speak again. "That is why I brought Jackie along. She is a psychiatrist at the Mountain Resort an institute just half an hours way from here. I think she could help Ryan.

What was this guy going on about? He didn't even know me and yet he wanted to ship me off. At least Caleb talked to me before he began his Hate Ryan campaign.

"Thank you very much" I heard Sandy say "But we think that Ryan just needs to get home rest and relax for a while." I smiled hoping they would all go with it.

"No Sandy I think a doctor's decision would be a good idea. Let Jackie meet Ryan and see if he needs more help. If he does then he can go with her to the Institute. You know how's he's been these past few weeks. He hardly talks, doesn't eat which I think might be bordering on anorexia and I don't think he sleeps either." I sighed. They would probably just send me to the institute on that speech.

"The facilities at the Institute are great but we won't make any decisions until we've talked to him."

They talked a bit more but I wasn't listening. I was going to be sent to a institute, they were going to abandon me there. I was going to be looked after by a nurse, live in a ward with crazy people and was going to be spoon feed drugs.

I pulled the drip out of my arm and winced with pain. But I ignored it as I swung my legs over the bed and padded to the door.

I swung it open and said quietly "I'm not going."

Everyone turned around and faced me. A ring of faces showing different emotions, Sandy tired and worried, Kirsten tear streaked and worried, the doctor tired and shocked (maybe angry too), Jackie calm and inquisitive.

The doctor was a weedy looking guy with too much wax in his hair. I already didn't' like him because of his judging me.

Jackie was slightly taller then me. She dressed casually unlike Marissa's shrink had done. She had red hair pulled back in a messy pony tail and big brown eyes. She reminded me of Sandy in that "you can trust me" look.

"Ryan we didn't say…" Kirsten started but I silenced her with a look.

"Ryan your parents think that you need help" Jackie said calmly looking into my eyes.

I pulled my eyes away from her and looked instead at Sandy. "I want to go home." I said even quieter.

"Ryan you're on a 72 hour watch. You're not allowed to leave." The weedy doctor said.

I ignored him and kept looking at Sandy. "I want to go home."

He stared at me thoughtfully. I let my eyes plead for me. Panic began rising in me.

"Ryan you have to stay here." He said not looking away.

"Nooo" I yelled. Sandy was meant to help me not abandon me.

"Ryan you need to calm down." The weedy doctor said.

"I don't want to stay here and I don't want to go to an institute. I want to go home." I yelled my body shaking with the intensity of the panic and anger in me.

"Ryan if you don't get back into that bed right now you will never see living daylight again." Kirsten finally spoke up. We stood staring at each other; her eyes were filled with sorrow, concern, weariness and antagonism.

We came to an understanding then and I backed down. Her emotions bending me to her will. I hated to see her like this.

I closed the door behind me quietly and lay down in my bed. I was shaking and panting with fear and rage.

My whole life seemed to lie on a line. On the decision they made.


	2. Hospital Drama

Thank you for all the reviews. I am very grateful. Please if you read this can you please review it. Even if its just one word like GOOD or BAD!

PLEASE REVIEW! THANKS!

**Chapter 2**

I woke up with a splitting headache from too many drinks last night. I was twisted in my sheets still in the clothes I wore last night.

At least I had got past the parents without being caught.

I lent over to grab some water (slowly very slowly) as I did a note that hadn't been there last night sat next to my glass.

_Dear Seth, Something's come up. Get a taxi and come to the hospital as soon as possible. When I say taxi I mean it. You are now officially grounded because of last night. Please get here fast._

_Love your parents._

Shit they had seen me. Wait a second. HOSPITAL. Whoa I missed something important. Shit was someone hurt. It was only from mum and dad that meant no Ryan which equaled either a fight or something more.

I showered quickly, changed, ate, paracetamol, taxi, hospital. My thoughts jumping from one conclusion to another.

I rushed up to the receptionist prepared to make a fool of myself. Just as I opened my mouth my name was called from behind me.

I turned around to see my mum rushing towards me. Her face was puffy and red from what I thought could be tears.

"Seth I'm so glad you're here." She said as she wrapped her arms around me and buried me in her shoulder. My heart warmed at her choice of words.

Dad came up slowly behind her. He looked shattered and probably had been crying too. He wrapped his hands around us both. We held each other tightly and I had to hold myself back from saying some extremely witty remark.

"Okay guys enough with the group hug I need to know what's happening here." I finally burst.

"Ryan is hurt" Dad replied dumbly looking at me.

"Na dad you think."

"Ryan tried to kill himself." Mum mumbled into my shoulder.

I pulled myself away from her looking into her eyes trying to see the lie in her words.

But somehow it all fitted. Ryan had been really depressed lately. Only I hadn't thought much of it. I hadn't paid much attention; I only focused on me and Summer.

"Seth I think this is the longest I've heard you quiet." Dad said.

"I know… it's just Ryan. I mean he has been kind of depressed lately. But trying to… trying to…" I couldn't finish the sentence; the words stuck in my throat were they should probably stay.

"I know, I know, but we can get through it." Mum finally said as she pulled herself away from me. She wiped her eyes and finally began pulling herself together resembling the lady who was always in charge. Or at least most of the time. If she wasn't she looked like she was.

We walked up the stairs to where Ryan was staying. We stood by the counter while mum filled in more leaflets.

I recognized the floor as the one we rescued Marissa from two years ago. That felt like ages. When we were all innocent (not).

"Mr. and Mrs. Cohen." A lady with red hair said as she came up to us. "Hi. Um I need you to fill out these forms. Then I can go and talk to Ryan." She noticed me and put her hand out. "Hi I'm Jackie you must be Seth."

I looked at the hand for a moment and then shook it, nodding to say yes.

"Seth this is Ryan's psychiatrist. He will be seeing her for an evaluation. If Jackie thinks he needs more help then he might go with her to the institute she works at." Mum explained.

Whoa this was going way to fast. Ryan trying to kill himself and now sending him to an institute.

"Wait a sec have you talked to Ryan." I said.

"Yes and he didn't take it so well." Jackie said and I glared at her.

"Yeah well how would you feel if you were being sent away."

"Seth" Dad said warning me but I was far to gone.

"No dad you can't just send him away. He just needs to rest and relax. He probably knows that he did wrong. Come on dad you know Ryan." I shouted.

"Seth your mother and I think he needs outside help."

"Dad…"

"Seth stop it." I was cut off. Ryan stood uncertainly outside the door. My eyes drifted to the hospital robe he wore, to the bandages on his wrist and to the thin gaunt look that I hadn't noticed before.

Ryan looked exhausted and extremely thin. How could I have not noticed that before? Had I been too caught up in Summer to not notice that my brother was killing himself one way or another?

He turned around and walked back into his room.

"Ryan, Ryan wait." I called after him and followed.

"Ryan man what's happening here." I asked as I entered the room. He stood on the other side staring out the window.

"I don't know" He answered. His voice shook but he didn't turn around so I couldn't see his face.

"Why man? Why did you do it?" I asked.

"I don't know." He answered again but without emotion this time.

"Oh come on dude. You can't just kill yourself for no reason…"

"I don't know" He shouted with force. He strode over to his bed and lay down with his back to me.

I sighed and left the room knowing he would need space.

Ryan P.O.V

I stared at the window waiting for Seth to leave. I pulled the covers over my head trying to will away the past day, to make the pain stop.

I hadn't faced him when he came after me. I couldn't knowing it would only make things worse.

My heart thumps hard in my chest and I try to calm it. I wanted to shut out the world, to shut out his words full of emotion. I only wanted to be left alone so I didn't have to feel, so I wouldn't get hurt.

Seth left the room after a moment's silence. I sighed deeply and relaxed. I was safe.

Suddenly I heard the door open and my whole body stiffened as I tried to pretend to sleep.

"Ryan" A soft voice asked. I stayed still.

"Ryan I know you're awake." The voice said this time not so softly.

I turned over to face my new psychiatrist. She stood in the middle of the room dressed casually like yesterday. She walked over to the seat beside my bed and sat down. She watched me the whole time.

"What do you want?" I asked probably too roughly.

"I want the pleasure of your company" She answered staring at me intently. A small, sly smile played along her lips.

I met her eyes and we held for a few minutes. A battle of wills.

I finally broke contact and Jackie asked. "How are you feeling?"

I looked at her and gave a very witty remark that Seth would have been proud of. "You tell me doctor. You're the expert."

And then she laughed. "That was good Ryan. I like that. But I can see you've built your steel walls. But what are you keeping out."

She stood suddenly and walked towards the door. She turned around and said. "I'm going to talk to your parents but I'll be back."

That is the weirdest conversation ever it even bets Seth's fish sex one.

Seth P.O.V

We sat in Dr. Byron's office mom, dad and I. Jackie sat opposite us. She was borrowing the office for our interview.

"So how are you all feeling?" She asked and I'm pretty sure we all gave her one of those famous looks that Ryan does. Or in my case at least tried.

"Yes well that can be imagined." She said. "I want to take this time to ask you about Ryan. I've looked at the file you gave me Mr. Cohen…"

"Sandy, call me Sandy."

"Okay Sandy. Well it's just that… Have you gone through it?" She asked eyes darting from Ryan's file to my dad.

I felt sick knowing that everything about Ryan's life was written in there. I wondered what horrible things had happened to him in Chino.

"No I haven't. I wanted to wait for Ryan to tell us himself. Ryan's a very private person and I don't think he would like it if we went prying."

"Yes I can understand that. But some of this contains evidence of abuse and…"

I choked on the coke in my hand. All the adults turned and looked at me.

"What does that have to do with anything?" I asked heatedly. The adults stared at me waiting for an explanation. "I mean isn't this about Ryan attempting suicide not about his past."

"Actually Seth"

"It's Mr. Cohen"

"Actually Mr. Cohen it has everything to do with everything. I was going to ask if you think that this may have some strain on Ryan. Maybe he can be jumpy or has a temper."

"Well he did fight a bit when he first moved in but he stopped after a while. Then there was the Oliver debacle and just a few weeks ago his brother." Mum answered.

"Yes his brother. Now I think it's this that has set everything off. I read the file so we don't need to go over the details."

She turned and faced me. "Mr. Cohen what has Ryan been like lately?"

I wasn't surprised at the question just surprised that she asked me. I wondered what I should do. If I should protect my brother from an Insane Asylum or do the right thing. To help him and make him better.

I decided on the second. "Ryan's been extremely quiet. I mean he was always quiet before but now he won't even talk. He just nods or shakes his head. He has this permanent stony expression on his face. He's become as thin as a stick and hardly sleeps. He pretty much looks like a zombie."

I breathed deeply. There would be some serious groveling if Ryan ever heard about this.


End file.
